A poverty mentality or scarcity mindset is a common consequence of growing up in poverty. The scarcity mentality is especially common for people who spent their childhoods in economic depression, war and other types of deprived environments. The consequences of growing up poor don’t end when you’re a financially stable – or even a wealthy – adult.
I found some interesting research on how growing up poor affects your relationship or marriage. These studies don’t discuss the poverty or scarcity mindset, but they do explain how poverty affects love and relationships. This is especially interesting because it directly relates to a question a reader recently asked on my article about solving the most typical relationship problems.
“My husband grew up poor and now tries to control all our spending,” said Mattie on 9 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions. “I can’t even buy necessary bathroom items and toiletries without having to defend my purchase. I love him but his poverty mentality is ruining our relationship. It helps to know that it’s a scarcity mentality or poverty mindset, and I learned how childhood financial problems affect adult choices. Finances are one of the most common problems in relationships and it’s worse when the person doesn’t admit there is a problem.
I, too, have a scarcity mindset or poverty mentality. I grew up poor. We were on welfare, my mom was single and schizophrenic, and we moved constantly. My husband grew up in a middle class home with five older siblings. They weren’t poor, but they definitely watched how they spent their money and didn’t waste a dime.
My husband and I are financially well-matched. We’re both savers, not spenders. We’ve been married for 15 years; our financial goal was to pay off the mortgage on our house. We did, hooray! But our lifestyle didn’t change. We were as frugal and money-conscious after we paid off our mortgage as we were before, which disappointed me. But I supposes I shouldn’t be surprised; the consequences of growing up in scarcity or with a poverty mentality are very difficult to overcome.
The Consequences of Growing Up in Poverty
I struggle more than my husband with the consequences of growing up in poverty. That’s partly why I found these research studies on the consequences of growing up in poverty on relationships and marriage so interesting. Another reason is that I am deliberately trying to work through my money issues (Suze Orman would say my “relationship with money”).
Part of my journey is buying the Class B RV (camper van) I’ve always dreamed of! That’s why I wrote How to Make Your RV Retirement Dreams Come True :-)
How childhood poverty affects love, relationships, and marriage
If you grew up poor and feel compelled to surround yourself with expensive brand names and possessions (which appears to be the opposite of the scarcity mentality), your relationship may suffer. Growing up poor affects your sense of control in life and your relationship, and can lead to impulsivity and easily giving up.
Materialistic couples aren’t as happy. Researchers from Brigham Young University found that couples who are materialistic and who say money is important to them are not as happy or stable as couples to whom money is not important. “Couples where both spouses are materialistic were worse off on nearly every measure we looked at,” said Jason Carroll, a BYU professor of family life and lead author of the study. “There is a pervasive pattern in the data of eroding communication, poor conflict resolution and low responsiveness to each other.”
Couples who focus on money and possessions don’t communicate well and don’t know how to resolve conflict. They also don’t pay much attention to each other. Unfortunately, these researchers didn’t study if these couples grew up poor as individuals. That would be an interesting measure – to see how growing up poor affects a couple’s relationship. But, these researchers did say that how a couple perceives their finances seems to be more important to their marital health and happiness than their actual financial situation.
If you and your partner fight about the finances a lot, read How to Apologize to Your Spouse After a Money Fight.
Growing up poor might lead you to give up on your relationship quicker than if you had grown up with money. Research from the American Psychological Association shows that two people with different childhood backgrounds are likely to respond to uncertainty in different ways, even if they are a couple with a similar socioeconomic background. This research shows that adults who grew up poor were more inclined to consider difficult and uncertain living conditions as beyond their control, while those from affluent backgrounds found them to be within their control. This leads to different reactions (eg, fear or anxiety) to the same situation (an unexpected household bill).
If you grew up poor, you may be more impulsive than if you had a more affluent family. People from poorer backgrounds behave more impulsively in uncertain situations than those from wealthy families. In addition, after recalling personal financial hardship and then asked to solve a difficult puzzle, people who grew up poor gave up much sooner than those who grew up wealthy. This doesn’t mean you will for sure give up on your relationship just because you grew up poor! It just means there might be a relationship between growing up poor and giving up on things quickly.
The consequences of growing up poor depend on what you think about. You may have more control over your behavior and relationship choices if you do not focus on economic and financial uncertainties. In the research study, adults from poorer backgrounds who saw photos of economic uncertainty felt significantly lower sense of control and were more impulsive than those from wealthier backgrounds. When they were not shown the photos depicting financial hardships, participants from poor and wealthy backgrounds didn’t differ in impulsivity. This means that growing up poor does not have absolute, certain effects on your relationship.
Can you have a good relationship if you grew up poor?
Yes! Your childhood affects who you are today, but it does not dictate your future. Even the most ingrained poverty or scarcity mindset can be loosened and lightened.
If you grew up poor, take time before giving up on a relationship or any other challenging project. “Persistence is directly tied to myriad important outcomes, including self-control, academic achievement, substance abuse, criminal behavior, healthy eating and overspending,” said study co-author Vladas Griskevicius, PhD, also of the University of Minnesota. “Future research should investigate strategies to prevent individuals from poor childhoods from potentially quitting challenging tasks in the face of adversity.”
Do you tend to get anxious, stressed and nervous about your finances? Maybe a scarcity mentality or poverty mindset is destroying your love life. Read How to Stop Anxiety From Ruining Your Relationship.
Sources: Can’t buy me love: Study shows materialistic couples have more money and more problems, a study from Brigham Young University, published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy.
Sense of Control Under Uncertainty Depends on People’s Childhood Environment: A Life History Theory Approach by Chiraag Mittal, MS, and Vladas Griskevicius, PhD, Carlson School of Management, University of Minnesota, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
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